I realized on Sunday that I have a double-shitload of stuff to do and zero organizational skills, so I needed to think of something fast or risk being buried in an avalanche of undone shit. Then it hit me: Hannah goes to school every day, and at school she has a fixed schedule. All I have to do is follow her school schedule. She has class in one-and-a-half-hour blocks, with 15- or 10-minute breaks in between. So this morning I sat down at 7:50 and started working on a *huge* proofreading job I’d barely started on (we’re talking 600+ pages). I worked when Hannah was in class, took breaks when she took breaks, and ate lunch when she ate lunch. At one point I looked up and was all, “Fluh?! How did it get to be 3 o’clock already?”

That’s when I called it a day, about 30 minutes before Hannah got out of school. But rather than lie in front of the tv and wait for John to throw cookies in my mouth, like I usually do, I gathered up the 2 big bags of clothes from the great fall closet purge and headed into town to drop them in the donation box and pick up a couple of books that were waiting for me at the university library. I got home at 5 and, surprisingly, didn’t feel completely brain-dead, so I am going to work some more (did I mention 600+ pages?) while John makes chili (only he doesn’t know yet that he’s going to make chili).

Pages covered so far today: 15 + 1 + 6 + 18 = 40 (oh dear, this is going to be a hard slog)

I’m glad to see that Kee had something to post while I was off on vacation. It will probably take me forever and a day just to label the 700+ photos we took, much less blog the trip. I haven’t even finished blogging the previous trip to Stockholm! School stuff and an editing gig are going to have to come first, though.

While waiting for one of several loads of laundry to finish up, I was perusing some of the blogs I have bookmarked—there are a *lot* of them, but I don’t read all of them regularly—and I came across a really excellent post by Alice over at Finslippy. She told about an art class where one half of the class was graded on the quantity of pots they produced, and the other half was graded on the quality of pots they produced. Surprisingly, the quantity half of the class made more improvement than the quality half, because they could make improvements on previous mistakes with the next pot, whereas the quality half got bogged down trying to make the perfect pot on the first try. Alice rightly, in my opinion, pointed out that this applies to all creative arts: you create something, and if it is not perfect on the first try, so what; you do it better next time. Anyhow, I thought it was something interesting and important enough to mention here.

And then all the planets aligned...

I had the urge Tuesday night to re-read what I had done on a story I had started but hadn't touched in a while. The story--code name RELATION--and its characters had been swarming around my head after I posted. Mainly, I think, because I was seriously doubting if writing was something I wanted to pursue and I was also seriously doubting if RANSOM was ever going to get done.

Part of the problem is that I like my characters in RANSOM too much. I think that's part of my progression/perfection problem and why I'm not getting anywhere. I started RELATION on a whim of an idea and just typed away until I hit a brick wall. It took a relatively short amount of time for what I had complete, but it was also over TWO years since I touched it...AGH!

Alas, when I re-read it, I thought 'Not too bad.' It had some of the same mistakes I have been trying to eliminate in RANSOM, but it would be easy enough to fix. As I was in the middle of reading, I couldn't remember where I'd left the story-just that I knew I had hit the wall and didn't know what came next. To my surprise, the last line I had typed--which had nothing to do with the story--was 'This is a test.'

It floored me. That is EXACTLY the phrase I have been using in describing all the crap that has been going on in my life the last 8 months. It's felt like the decisions that have been put before me are a test of what I really want and where/what I need to be. So to see it on something I wrote two years ago is...yeah.

I go to bed with the story on my mind. At 3:44 the next morning I wake up with where the story is supposed to go next-I'm on the other side of the wall! I try to tell myself it'll still be in my head at a decent hour and to go back to sleep. Then I keep hearing 'This is a test.' So I get up and, bleary-eyed, go outline what I woke up with. Then the next day, I outline more. So now I'd say I had 8/10 of the story outlined and plotted. That's a first for me-knowing where the story is going before I write it.

It may not be a best-seller but it would make a nice category romance. And best of all, right now it would mean I actually get to write new stuff instead of editing old stuff. Every time I feel like quitting, I hear 'This is a test' and keep going.

On the high school note...

I have had the thought lately that I am not the same girl I was back then. In some ways (no more baby fat, no more BIG hair), it's not so bad. In other ways, not so good. Aside from the fact I'm STILL dealing with unruly hormones (mine and my pre-pubescent kids), the drive/spark/ambition that kept me at the top of my class is gone.

I read an interesting blog over BookEnds about writers and the company they keep with other writers. (I'd link it if I knew how.) It basically talked about how the drive to succeed and compete will eventually lump good writers together. Then this support network pushes them farther and higher.

My mother has told me that in high school I competed with my dear Nee. I have always said to that, "I never FELT that I competed with her." For all the world to know...Nee was, and still is, on a much higher academic level than me. I never knowingly tried to compete with her, but, yes, it could account for some of my success back then (even though Nee was two years ahead of me).

Okay, so what's up now? I still have the amazing support of Nee (and a few other very friendly friends) who have contributed much to my efforts at being a published author. Is it the same as direct competition? Well, no. Do I have the benefit of constant feedback/praise? Yes. Do I have someone pushing me to do more? Yes, multiple someones.

So where's my drive? Why can't I finish the first novel?

Maybe it's because I am still the girl I was back in high school...I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up...I am taking the safer road (the safer classes)...To be an accountant will be more stable than being a writer...If I don't try something risky, I can't fail at it.

The idea will still be safe in my dreams.

During my high school band geek phase--as opposed to my college band geek phase--I spent most of my sophmore year hanging around with 2 older section leaders. These paragons of leadership never, ever played the school fight song at football games. Never. Instead, they sang a little song they had made up to insult various band directors to the tune of the fight song:

Ed's retardo,
Fred's retardo,
Bud's retardo, too.
Every-body is retardo
--except Mr. Graham--
and so--are--you!

(Hint: The retardos probably weren't Ed, Fred, or Bud.)

I've had one of my stories floating around and around in my head recently, and last night I tried to translate the images in my brain into words on paper. Needless to say, I got one sentence down and quit in frustration. That's when the high school band song popped into my head, only with "Nee" in all the name spots. It was very frustrating, especially since I've had the writing itch for the last week, but nothing to show for it. (Not even a rash, ha ha.)

Otherwise, I have been working on editing for one of my profs. I need to finish up and get it sent out, because on Wednesday we are leaving for Stockholm! Woo! I doubt I'll get any writing done there, but it will be a nice change of pace.

When I turned in my terribly, horribly overdue paper, I wasn't actually sure that I would get it back in time to complete my registration for my master's exams. My professor's assistant had sent me a note that the professor in question would not be grading papers after the 28th of July. The 28th came and went with no message, so I figured it was not meant to be.

I haven't read for my exams as much as I would have liked to, but I have been filling up my spare time with some proofreading for one of my profs in the English department. His feedback has been wonderful--he likes me! he really likes me!--and it has been a relatively satisfying job. And to top it off, when I mentioned that I might not be taking my exams in the fall after all--he is one of my examiners--he said that he would be willing to do me a favor and talk to the other professor about my late paper (they're friends, you know).

But what do you know? Today I got an email from the first prof that she's graded my paper! I got a C--not a surprise. So now I feel like I really need to buckle down. Today I worked at my student job and cleaned the kitchen like a crazy cleaning person--did you know we have a drawer under our stove? I didn't--so I am not up to much studying, but tomorrow I won't have anything else to do but help Hannah bake cookies and wash some laundry. And read, of course.

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."
Henry Ford, 1863 - 1947

For the editorial minded, here is a funny video, "Font Conference":

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Exam prep (Sunday): read one chapter of a textbook on child language acquisition.

DONE!



I turned in my final paper on Friday, after writing seriously for 4 or 5 days. I ended up with a 19-page linguistics paper (23 pages with cover, contents page, and bibliography) in German. I call that quite an accomplishment.

I still have a master's thesis (80 pages), 4 oral exams (one half hour each), and 2 written exams (5 hours each) to finish before I am done with my degree, and I have a year in which to do them--or rather, 6 months for the thesis and 6 months for the exams. But I have learned from working on this paper--something I should have learned a long time ago--that to really learn something, I have to work on it a little every day. Otherwise you lose your forward momentum. So that is my goal, one I will try to keep tabs on here.

Right now I am still playing catch-up on household things, but I know I can't do everything at once, so I am trying to spread it out so I can read for my exams AND not live in filth AND not go crazy. I think I can do it.

Exam prep (Saturday): read one chapter of a textbook on child language acquisition.

Arguments over grammar and style are often as fierce as those over Windows versus Mac, and as fruitless as Coke versus Pepsi and boxers versus briefs.
-Jack Lynch, English professor, author (b. 1967)

Query letter update...emailed 7/5...Rejection received 7/9.

It was a standard form rejection.

Oh, well.

I'll keep trying.

Query letter update...Mailed 21 days ago...Rejection received 7/7/08

It was a plain jane form rejection with a name stamp, but it was dated 6/30. That meant it was a fairly fast turn around in her office. The most delay was probably due to the holiday mail service.

Oh well.

I did email a query 7/5. I'll keep you posted.

My paper-writing has ground to a halt. First, I was in a frenzy of reading, making notes, making connections, and there was...something...I was just not quite connecting. It was on the tip of my brain, and I still can't seem to quite grasp it. Sort of like trying to see a floater* in your vision, but when you try to focus on it, it moves off to the side.

Then when I was going back over the article that is the impetus for my paper, it already seems to be including points I wanted to make myself. Shit--where did that come from? I have already read the article more than once!

Grumble, grumble, grumble...


* Yes, I have very bad eyes, and yes, I try to keep track of the floaters in case I suddenly get more of them. No one wants a detached retina.

Query letter update...Mailed 14 days ago...No response yet

In re-reading my goods, I can tell you there is a marked difference in the stuff at the front and the stuff at the back. I had hoped that all of the over compulsive editing I did in the first few chapters was only my own need to tweak it. Apparently, if the back is any indication, it must have pretty much sucked when I first started.

The end is going to take more work that I thought. Aside from the few plot pieces I knew I needed to add, it just doesn't read smoothly. It's almost like I missed writing down half of what was in my head. So it feels very stark, with little emotion or depth. I NEED DEPTH! And I need it quick, cause I've been on a roll writing lately and these damn characters are in my head constantly, and if I call out the hero's name in my sleep, well I think I'll be headed to divorce court.

There was a fascinating article in the NYTimes about the sworn virgins of Albania. Up until recently, women could vow never to have sex and presto-chango! They were men. This was only an option if the male head of the family died or was killed and there was no other male to take charge of the family. A female family member could make the switch, so to speak, and suddenly have the same status and respect as men. Nowadays, there is much more gender equality in Albania, and these family-heads are a dying breed.

I am often struck by how much weirder reality is than fiction.

A NYTimes article on the role of the copy-editor. True, the newspaper copy-editor may be on the way out, but that is not the only variety of copy-editor in the world, so my career aspiration hasn't already died out.

There's this Chinese girl in my department (in both my departments, actually--she's on the same degree program I am and started at the same time), and we occasionally go out for coffee, like once a semester. I saw her in the intro meeting on the first day, and I had her pegged for a bumbler right away. Every time I talk to her, she is really down about school, and she is always behind on her work--even worse than me! She is just now finishing a paper that was due 2 years ago!

Today we had coffee again, and I realized something--I don't want to be like her! It suddenly hit me that I was on the long slide toward turning into her, and I was horrified. I went and worked like a demon possessed on my paper after that, and my stuff is sitting on the table right now so I can work on it some more after I sign off here.

Nothing else has worked to get me motivated to work. It looks like snobbery and fear are my prime motivators.

I have been gone for a good reason. I have been working. On the book.

But I may be gone for a while longer because I may have gotten myself in a bind.

Okay, I have no problem admitting that I listen to the universe. In my world, it keeps me aware of things going on around me and makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Well, I haven't felt like doing a lot lately. To put it mildly, I have been depressed. Things have not been going well on a lot of fronts and I have lost all sense of someone watching over me. This is bad. Not even going to church has restored my feeling of being connected.

Well, it seems like rock bottom is where I needed to be to get serious about my book again. Nothing else has settled me the way writing has, so it's been the only thing I've been able to accomplish. Then, out of the blue, the universe decides to speak to me again. Was there any "I am sorry for not getting in touch lately?" Hell, no. Only a "Pssst, listen up. I've got something I need you to do." That something was to send in a query letter to a VERY big name agent. And that would be a good thing if the novel was complete and ready to send if she wants a full ms. It'll be my luck, or the universe's perverse joke, if she does actually ask for it (it could happen).

So needless to say, I have less than a week to pull together the pieces it's in now and at least get it done. I had just rationalized to myself (before reading your last post) that the most important part was to get all the plot structured in so I could complete a reasonable synopsis/outline (usually 2nd step if agent wants to see more). I think it's about the same thinking. It doesn't have to wow. I just need that big step done. Like yesterday. Then I wouldn't feel bad making the agent wait to tune it up.

We'll see. The universe has cleared the path for me and I have about a week to spend some serious time working on it. Rock bottom is not looking so bad.

Yesterday I sat down and worked on my paper for most of the day. For all that effort, I have a pretty pitiful amount done, but today I am going to power on as soon as I get home.

I was telling John about my paper, and he had a very astute observation to make: My paper doesn't have to be the best paper in the world, it just has to be good enough--and finished.

I think that is one of my major stumbling blocks; I feel like my school work has to completely wow my instructors, but scholarship isn't about making amazing discoveries with every single work. It is more about adding incrementally to the total of the scholarship that has gone before you. In my case, I am writing a paper for a class, so the point is more to show that I can synthesize information into a coherent whole, not so much that I have something new of my own to say.

I wonder how I can turn the above into a mantra for when I start to backslide?

J.K. Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard University

It's very touching and thought-provoking, what she has to say.