Fuck me. I just realized that the humongous text I’m proofreading (561 pages for the main document) is spaced all weird. One page of the text—with the weird spacing and 13-point type—is 39 lines and equivalent to about one-and-a-half pages of normal double-spacing with 12-point type. So in reality, I’m proofreading 561 x 1.5 = 840.5 pages. Luckily, there are lots of tables and graphs and screenshots in one chapter, but still!

Let me just go on the record here. The word "zoomable"--as in, "a zoomable table/graphic"--is the devil's underpants is far as I am concerned.

That is all.

I realized on Sunday that I have a double-shitload of stuff to do and zero organizational skills, so I needed to think of something fast or risk being buried in an avalanche of undone shit. Then it hit me: Hannah goes to school every day, and at school she has a fixed schedule. All I have to do is follow her school schedule. She has class in one-and-a-half-hour blocks, with 15- or 10-minute breaks in between. So this morning I sat down at 7:50 and started working on a *huge* proofreading job I’d barely started on (we’re talking 600+ pages). I worked when Hannah was in class, took breaks when she took breaks, and ate lunch when she ate lunch. At one point I looked up and was all, “Fluh?! How did it get to be 3 o’clock already?”

That’s when I called it a day, about 30 minutes before Hannah got out of school. But rather than lie in front of the tv and wait for John to throw cookies in my mouth, like I usually do, I gathered up the 2 big bags of clothes from the great fall closet purge and headed into town to drop them in the donation box and pick up a couple of books that were waiting for me at the university library. I got home at 5 and, surprisingly, didn’t feel completely brain-dead, so I am going to work some more (did I mention 600+ pages?) while John makes chili (only he doesn’t know yet that he’s going to make chili).

Pages covered so far today: 15 + 1 + 6 + 18 = 40 (oh dear, this is going to be a hard slog)

I’m glad to see that Kee had something to post while I was off on vacation. It will probably take me forever and a day just to label the 700+ photos we took, much less blog the trip. I haven’t even finished blogging the previous trip to Stockholm! School stuff and an editing gig are going to have to come first, though.

While waiting for one of several loads of laundry to finish up, I was perusing some of the blogs I have bookmarked—there are a *lot* of them, but I don’t read all of them regularly—and I came across a really excellent post by Alice over at Finslippy. She told about an art class where one half of the class was graded on the quantity of pots they produced, and the other half was graded on the quality of pots they produced. Surprisingly, the quantity half of the class made more improvement than the quality half, because they could make improvements on previous mistakes with the next pot, whereas the quality half got bogged down trying to make the perfect pot on the first try. Alice rightly, in my opinion, pointed out that this applies to all creative arts: you create something, and if it is not perfect on the first try, so what; you do it better next time. Anyhow, I thought it was something interesting and important enough to mention here.

And then all the planets aligned...

I had the urge Tuesday night to re-read what I had done on a story I had started but hadn't touched in a while. The story--code name RELATION--and its characters had been swarming around my head after I posted. Mainly, I think, because I was seriously doubting if writing was something I wanted to pursue and I was also seriously doubting if RANSOM was ever going to get done.

Part of the problem is that I like my characters in RANSOM too much. I think that's part of my progression/perfection problem and why I'm not getting anywhere. I started RELATION on a whim of an idea and just typed away until I hit a brick wall. It took a relatively short amount of time for what I had complete, but it was also over TWO years since I touched it...AGH!

Alas, when I re-read it, I thought 'Not too bad.' It had some of the same mistakes I have been trying to eliminate in RANSOM, but it would be easy enough to fix. As I was in the middle of reading, I couldn't remember where I'd left the story-just that I knew I had hit the wall and didn't know what came next. To my surprise, the last line I had typed--which had nothing to do with the story--was 'This is a test.'

It floored me. That is EXACTLY the phrase I have been using in describing all the crap that has been going on in my life the last 8 months. It's felt like the decisions that have been put before me are a test of what I really want and where/what I need to be. So to see it on something I wrote two years ago is...yeah.

I go to bed with the story on my mind. At 3:44 the next morning I wake up with where the story is supposed to go next-I'm on the other side of the wall! I try to tell myself it'll still be in my head at a decent hour and to go back to sleep. Then I keep hearing 'This is a test.' So I get up and, bleary-eyed, go outline what I woke up with. Then the next day, I outline more. So now I'd say I had 8/10 of the story outlined and plotted. That's a first for me-knowing where the story is going before I write it.

It may not be a best-seller but it would make a nice category romance. And best of all, right now it would mean I actually get to write new stuff instead of editing old stuff. Every time I feel like quitting, I hear 'This is a test' and keep going.

On the high school note...

I have had the thought lately that I am not the same girl I was back then. In some ways (no more baby fat, no more BIG hair), it's not so bad. In other ways, not so good. Aside from the fact I'm STILL dealing with unruly hormones (mine and my pre-pubescent kids), the drive/spark/ambition that kept me at the top of my class is gone.

I read an interesting blog over BookEnds about writers and the company they keep with other writers. (I'd link it if I knew how.) It basically talked about how the drive to succeed and compete will eventually lump good writers together. Then this support network pushes them farther and higher.

My mother has told me that in high school I competed with my dear Nee. I have always said to that, "I never FELT that I competed with her." For all the world to know...Nee was, and still is, on a much higher academic level than me. I never knowingly tried to compete with her, but, yes, it could account for some of my success back then (even though Nee was two years ahead of me).

Okay, so what's up now? I still have the amazing support of Nee (and a few other very friendly friends) who have contributed much to my efforts at being a published author. Is it the same as direct competition? Well, no. Do I have the benefit of constant feedback/praise? Yes. Do I have someone pushing me to do more? Yes, multiple someones.

So where's my drive? Why can't I finish the first novel?

Maybe it's because I am still the girl I was back in high school...I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up...I am taking the safer road (the safer classes)...To be an accountant will be more stable than being a writer...If I don't try something risky, I can't fail at it.

The idea will still be safe in my dreams.